Here's to you, Lucylu
by spiffytgm
Summary: A series of NOT Helen friendly one shots.
1. Chapter 1

**I was reading some of my reviews this morning, and one of my favorite people showed up. :-) As I was reading her review (which always makes me smile) this story popped into my head and refused to leave. I hope you enjoy it, I did.**

**As always, all characters you know and love belong to Janet Evanovich. All mistakes are mine. I make nothing from this.**

Edna Mazur was downstairs, trying to get her daughter to hurry up. "C'mon, Helen, we gotta get a move on. We'll miss the flight!" Her daughter was still trying to get her bags packed. They were going on a 3 day all expense paid trip to Los Angeles. Edna walked back into the room to see what was keeping her daughter. "Helen, you know you can't take liquor bottles in carry on luggage. Leave them and let's go!"

Helen muttered, "Damned TSA" and closed her suitcase. The trip to the airport was uneventful. The security checkpoint was loads of fun as Helen got selected as a "Random Passenger", and removed from the line for a body cavity search. The bottle of Wild Turkey that she had forgotten in her jacket pocket didn't help matters any. People up and down the concourse could hear cries of "Why me?" coming from the interrogation rooms. Edna was almost arrested herself for feeling up the agent that was doing a pat down on her, but the agent just shuddered and said he wanted to forget all about it.

Eventually they were put on another flight just to get them out of New Jersey.

California was a beautiful state, and Los Angeles was filled with exciting things to see and do. They went to Disneyland, but their trip was cut short when Helen started yelling at Belle that "She needed to stop associating with thugs and marry Morelli". Edna was really looking forward to going to the TCL Chinese Theater. She was looking forward to measuring the Actor's footprints. After all, You can tell by a man's shoe size... well, you know the rest. As soon as Helen saw that they were showing a Batman marathon at the theater that day, she refused to go anywhere near it.

On Sunday, mother and daughter were going to spend all day at Universal Studios. While they were on the Studio Tour, however, Helen got off the tram at the King Kong exhibit and started pleading with the giant Gorilla, "I tried, Joseph! Please give her another chance!" As they escorted her and Edna from the park, a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 fell out of her purse.

Finally, Monday arrived, and on their last day in California, they were going to Disney Studios. Edna made sure that Helen didn't 'tipple' at all during the day. This was their last day to enjoy themselves. When they got there, they found out that they were being treated to a 'special' tour, and were selected to be members of a live studio audience. They were seated in the dimly lit auditorium. When the lights came up, they found that they were on the set of America's Craziest Home Videos. They watched with amusement as various people were subject to all kinds of pratfalls in the hopes of winning the $100,000 grand prize.

The host finally got tho the moment they had all been waiting for. He announced that the Grand Prize winning video was called Motherly Love from Trenton New Jersey. The house lights dimmed, and the screen showed what appeared to be a typical kitchen on a typical day. Helen Plum herself was sitting at the kitchen table peeling potatoes. Stephanie and Carlos walked in and Helen immediately slammed her peeler on the table. "WHY ME?" she wailed. "Does Betty Molnar's daughter associate with Thugs? Does Loretta Swanson's daughter have a job working with Criminals? Why can't I have a daughter who wants a normal life?"

Stephanie turned to her mother, smiled, and said, "Hello to you, too, mother. We just came to tell you that in honor of my Husband's company reaching the Fortune 500 list of top companies, we're having a party aboard our new yacht, Ranger's Babe. I understand that you don't want to associate with thugs, so we'll just collect grandma and be on our way. Toodles!" With that, Helen dropped to her knees clutched her bottle of Old Grandad to her chest and cried, "WHY ME?"

The house lights came up to show the audience crying with laughter. The host walked over to them and announced that the Grand Prize winner was none other than Trenton New Jersey's own Edna Mazur! A shower of balloons and confetti fell on a smiling Edna and a stunned Helen. Edna jumped up and planted a kiss on the host. She also pinched his behind and 'checked his shoe size' while she was there.

The Governor of California personally escorted them through the security checkpoint at the airport to make sure they got on the plane.


	2. Chapter 2 - Happy Mother's Day

**Happy belated Mother's Day to all the moms out there. It's been a busy few days, but I'm getting back into the swing of things. As always, all the characters you've come to know belong to Janet Evanovich. All mistakes are mine.**

Edna Mazur was in heaven. She had won $100,000 on America's Craziest Home Videos, and it was burning a hole in her pocket. She got to keep all the money, because this is fiction, and you don't have to pay taxes if you're not real. Her daughter thought she should spend the money on boring things, like a new dishwasher or College savings accounts for her great granddaughters, but Edna told Helen that she was a horse's patoot, and she was going to spend the money any way she wanted.

The first thing she did was throw a huge party at the Senior Center. The problem with that was most of the folks there couldn't drink, because it interfered with their medications, and the party ended at 6:30, because everyone was too old to stay up late. Edna now had $95,000 burning a hole in her pocket, and enough liquor left over to keep Helen properly sauced for quite a while.

The second thing Edna did was throw a party for the whole family at Allaire State Park. Unfortunately, Helen brought Joe to the party because she thought he would make a better son in law than Carlos. When the train pulled up to the station so that the family could ride around the park, Joe turned to Stephanie and said, "Do you remember when we used to play Choo-Choo?" Before Carlos could reach him, Stephanie knocked him out with one punch. The rest of the party was so awkward that no one noticed when Vinnie wandered off to the lake to "feed the ducks". Even though the park rangers threw them out, Lucille had stayed home that day, so Vinnie wouldn't be feeding the fishes too. Now Edna had $90,000 burning a hole in her pocket.

Edna decided to take Helen and all the girls to Florida, so that they could go to Disney World. Unfortunately, no matter how much Governor Juniak begged the TSA, they refused to take Helen off the "no-fly" list. She was stuck in NJ. Edna and the girls went anyway and they all had a wonderful time. They almost got thrown out of the park when Edna begged Aladdin to take her on a "magic carpet ride", but Stephanie promised security that she would keep a better watch on her grandma. Edna still had $80,000 burning a hole in her pocket, but at least everyone had fun on this trip.

Edna decided that it was taking too long to go through the rest of the money, so she was going to have one huge Mother's Day blowout for all the ladies of the Burg. She rented the VFW hall, hired caterers, and contracted entertainment for the evening. All the ladies from the neighborhood were there. Stephanie and Lula showed up for grandma, even though Lula wasn't from the Burg, and Stephanie was convinced that Grandma Bella was gonna give her the eye for breaking poor Joey's heart.

After the dinner was served, the lights were lowered and the entertainment began. It was a good thing that there was an open bar, because most of the ladies were blitzed by the time they realized that Edna had hired strippers. Every time a new stripper came onstage, the ladies from the neighborhood went wild, and Helen would cry, "Why me?". Finally the DJ announced that making his NJ debut was Officer Harry Cox. A tall, lean man came onstage, and Stephanie started to get a bad feeling, but you couldn't see the guy's face underneath his hat. When he peeled his shirt off, Lula turned to Steph and said, "Damn. Harry is a good name for him. Ain't strippers supposed to wax or something? " Stephanie couldn't answer. The feeling in the pit of her stomach was getting worse. When he took his pants off, Lula said to Steph, "Ok, he ain't hung too bad, but I've had better." Stephanie just kept muttering to herself, "Keep your hat on. Keep your hat on."

When the stripper walked to the edge of the stage so that the women could slip some bills into his g-string, there was an unholy shriek that was so loud, the DJ stopped the music. Angie Morelli stood right in front of the stage still holding her dollar bill and yelled, "Joseph Anthony Morelli, have you lost your mind?" The stripper took his hat off to cover his private parts, and the whole neighborhood saw that it was indeed Joe mostly naked on the stage. Lula laughed so hard she fell off her seat. Helen grabbed a bottle of Smirnoff from the bar, took a healthy slug and said, "WHY ME?" Edna turned to Stephanie and patted her on the thigh. She winked and said, "Best $80,000 I ever spent."


	3. Chapter 3 - one tequila, two tequila

**In an effort to thank Margaret for listening to me when I needed it, I humbly submit this little ditty. I hope you like it! :-) Just remember to keep reading, it gets better.**

** As usual, any characters you may recognize belong to JE. All mistakes are mine.**

Helen Plum was having the best day ever. Her daughter and son in law were coming for dinner on the way home from the hospital. The roast was cooked to perfection. The silverware was polished to a bright gleam and the good china sparkled. The pineapple upside down cake was golden brown. Everything was perfect, just like it should be.

Helen straightened her apron and walked to the door with her mother. Her internal radar was letting her know that the happy family was getting closer. She smiled brightly as the car came to a stop and her favorite son in law helped his wife out slowly. Once she was out, they each opened one of the back doors and got the children out.

Stephanie set her young son on the ground and waved. He ran towards the door yelling, "Grandma!" For a boy quickly approaching his third birthday, it looked as though the terrible twos were going to pass right by him. He was a joy to both her and Frank. She hugged her only grandson and sent him in the house to find his grandpa. She straightened and kept her attention riveted on the car seat being taken from the other door.

Her daughter made it to the front door just as her husband came bouncing up the walk. "Mom, I'd like you to meet your newest granddaughter." Helen looked at the tiny infant in the car seat. She was simply precious, her brown eyes open and soft brown hair making her look so much like her father.

"Come in. I was just about to put dinner on the table. You're right on time." Her son in law kissed her on the cheek as he carried the baby inside.

Helen put dinner on the table, and the family settled in to eat. She sighed with contentment. This was exactly what she wanted for her youngest daughter. Stephanie had finally embraced the role she was born for.

Her daughter took a bite of the roast. "Mom, did you try something new?" At Helen's nod, she continued, "This is wonderful. You'll have to give me the recipe." She smiled at her husband. "You know how much my Joseph loves it when I cook your recipes."

Joe took her hand and kissed it. "I love everything you cook, cupcake."

Helen looked at her daughter. "So, now that the baby is born, are you going to tell us what you decided to name her?"

Stephanie looked at her daughter, now sleeping peacefully in her car seat. "Well, mom, you know that you are always number one in our hearts. We decided that the best way to show how much we love you is to name our daughter after you and mama Morelli. I'd like you to meet Helen Angelina Morelli."

Helen could feel the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. "Thank you! This is so wonderful. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me."

"OUCH! What the hell?" Helen picked her head up and immediately regretted it. She pressed a shaking hand to her head and moaned. "What happened?" She looked around the table and saw the empty bottles of El Jimador tequila and Wodka vodka strewn about. She couldn't even remember whether or not she had gone to bed the night before.

She could smell the fresh coffee brewing in the kitchen. Edna came out and placed a cup on top of the newspaper in front of her. "You said 'somebody pinch me', so I did." Edna had the boniest fingers in the state of New Jersey, and the pinch had hurt like the dickens.

"When did you get home?" Helen asked her mother while trying to keep her head from exploding.

Edna walked back into the kitchen. "Oh, I just stopped by to pick up some more clothes for me and Frank. He's waiting for me in the cab. I'll be gone in a minute." She came out holding a small suitcase. Helen remembered that they bought it for the trip Edna won to go to California. "If you would stop being such a horse's patoot, maybe they would let you visit, too." With that she walked out the door and got into the waiting cab.

The shrill ringing of the phone was like a dagger going straight through Helen's eyes and into her brain. Before she could even stand to answer it, the answering machine clicked on. "Helen, this is Angie. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am. Call me."

Helen looked down to pick up the cup of coffee and saw the newspaper that it was resting on. She didn't even notice as the cup slipped from her fingers, spilling the hot liquid all over her lap. She was lucky that Edna put enough cream in it that it didn't burn her too badly. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the headline proclaiming in a bold 72 point type, "**Heir he is!**"

The telephone rang again, shooting another dagger in to join the first. Helen moaned in pain. Once again the answering machine picked up. "Mother, it's Valerie. I tried calling the office for you, but they won't even tell me where she is. Can you believe that? She's my sister. I have a right to know."

Helen picked up the paper and stared at the front page photo of the husband and wife smiling at each other. You could see the love they had for each other, even through the grainy newspaper print. Underneath the headline was the tagline, "Fortune 500 CEO and his Wife welcome their first child". She scanned the article with growing horror.

"In an undisclosed location Rangeman CEO Ricardo Carlos Manoso and his wife, Stephanie Michelle Manoso welcomed their first child into the world. Ricardo Carlos Manoso II was born at 6:45 am yesterday, weighing a healthy 7lbs, 6oz. Both mother and child are doing well. The delighted father issued this statement, 'The love of my life has once again made me the happiest man in the world. She has given me the greatest gift imaginable.' Present at the birth were Mr. Manoso's parents and child from a previous marriage, and Mrs. Manoso's father and grandmother. When asked, Edna Mazur said, 'This is even better than the time I won $100,000. My favorite granddaughter has given me my first great grandson, and with a package like Ranger's, I bet he won't be the last!.' The entire staff at the Trenton Times would like to take this opportunity to wish the Manoso family all the best."

Helen closed her eyes again. WHY ME? She thought. Margaret Gooley's daughter married a nice boy from the neighborhood. Mary Lou Molnar's mother didn't have to read the newspaper to find out her first grandson's name. Why can't I have a normal daughter for a change?

The phone rang once again. Can't these people mind their own damned business for once? The answering machine clicked on. "Helen, it's Joe. Do you remember how I got home last night? I can't find my car and there's an El Jimador label stuck to my forehead. Bob's looking at me funny, too. Anyway, I just heard from my contact in the FBI, and they tell me that the Department of Defense has declared the location Top Secret. They can't find out anything."

Helen finally managed to stand. If she held her head perfectly still, she might not even throw up. She shuffled into the kitchen feeling like an addict jonesing for their next hit. She made it all the way to the coffeepot when the phone rang again. This time it was closer to her, though, and so loud that she clutched her head and fell to her knees.

Instead of hearing whoever was calling, she heard, "We're sorry, your message box is full". She peeled one eye open and looked at the machine. It showed that there were 99 messages, and the light was blinking so furiously that she was afraid she might have a seizure.

Helen opened the door to the cabinet in front of her. She found one half empty bottle of Wodka left. She unscrewed the cap and slurred, "Screw the coffee. All I need ish the hair of the dog that bit me."

**PS - El Jimador is real. I googled cheap tequila, and I couldn't resist the name.**


	4. Chapter 4 99 bottles of Jack on the wall

**I was talking to Margaret yesterday, and she told me about an article in nydailynews dot com. You can find it yourself at /life-style/eats/tennessee-distillers-warn-whiskey-shortage-article-1.1817222 or I once again pinned it in my pinterest page /spiffytgm/plum-diamond for you to look at. The quote in italics comes directly from the article. I asked Margaret, "What Would Helen Do"? and yet another story was born.**

**All the characters you know and love belong to Janet Evanovich. All mistakes are mine. Bummer. I hope you enjoy!**

Helen Plum was not having a good week. The Trenton Times decided to do a week long series of front page stories about the enigmatic billionaire CEO Carlos Manoso and his beautiful wife, Stephanie following the birth of their son. As a further sign that it was a slow news week, the stories had been picked up by the Asbury Park Press. What that meant was that every time she picked up a local newspaper, she was assaulted by pictures of her daughter and that criminal.

She couldn't even shop in her favorite store. Whenever she walked into Giovichinni's, one of the women from the Burg would ask about her daughter and the baby. If she had to hear one more of those busybodies ask her if she had pictures of little Ricardo, she was not going to be held responsible for her actions.

Finally, Helen decided to go to the Shop and Bag so that she could pick up some groceries. Edna and Frank were supposed to come home today, and she was going to be able to cook for someone besides Joseph and Bob. While she was there, she picked up a copy of the New York Daily News. At last she would be able to read a newspaper without being reminded that her daughter just wouldn't listen to her.

Helen also stopped at the liquor store. Frank's pension check cleared and she had money to get a bottle of the good stuff. She whimpered with pleasure as she felt the familiar weight of the cool glass bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand. She must have missed a sale on it, because there seemed to be fewer bottles than usual on the shelves. She walked up to the cash register. "Hi, Helen," the cashier said. "Frank's check cleared?"

Once she got home, Helen started to prepare the roast. Frank loved her roast, and surely he missed it since he's been gone. While she cooked, she flipped the pages of the newspaper, humming to herself over the Stephanie free pages. She turned to cut the potatoes, but she dropped the knife and turned back to the newspaper. The headline read, "Tennessee distillers warn of whiskey shortage". Helen screamed a long and mournful, "NOOOOOOO", and opened her cabinet door to make sure that her bottle didn't run away at the news.

Helen took a healthy swig of her whiskey in an effort to calm her nerves. As soon as the bottle clinked on the counter, she realized her mistake. If she drank it too fast, she might never get another bottle again. Once she put the roast in the oven, she ran back to her favorite store, A-A Liquors, to pick up another bottle. "Hey, Helen. Did you forget something? You were just here a few minutes ago." Helen ignored him and walked straight to the shelves.

When Helen got home, she carefully stored all the new, calming bottles in her bedroom closet. She went back downstairs to check on her roast. Everything was cooking nicely, so she let out a sigh of relief. Picking up the newspaper, she skimmed the article once more. "_It's not like you can ramp up production today and have that whiskey on the market tomorrow._" Oh, no. How long would Helen have to wait until the shortage will be over? She knew that the good stuff had to be aged for years! Just as she was about to read more, the front door opened and Edna and Frank walked in. She had to hide the article. Who knew what they would think she'd do. Looking around her, the only place she could think of to put it was in the trash. Just as she was throwing out the paper, Edna walked in the kitchen. "Hello, mother. Dinner will be ready shortly." Edna looked at her daughter, but didn't say anything other than hello.

Dinner was ready at 6:00, just like always. Frank didn't speak to her at all, but that was normal. Edna spent the meal telling her about how beautiful the new baby was and how happy Stephanie and Carlos were together. Really, did she think Helen wanted to hear that? Stephanie should be married to Joseph. That should be his baby. Helen drank a little more of her "tea" to drown out her mother's chatter.

That night in bed, Helen found that she couldn't sleep thinking about what would happen if she ran out of her precious Jack Daniels.

The next morning, after breakfast was served and Frank took his cab out to pick up his cronies, Helen went to run some errands on her own. Her first stop was Good Libations. This was her second favorite store. She walked straight to the shelf and picked up every last bottle of Jack. Again she noticed that there were fewer bottles than usual. She made her way to the counter. The cashier said, "Good morning, Helen. I see you read the article in the Daily News." She just paid for her purchase and put everything in the trunk.

Her next stop was Tequila Mockingbird. Again, she walked straight from the door to the Jack, then to the register. The cashier said, "Good morning, Helen. Are you and Joe having a party again? I have more El Jimador if you need it." Helen politely declined. One tequila hangover a month was enough.

City Sliquors was the same. This time the cashier said, "Hey, Helen, aren't you going to leave any for the rest of Trenton?" This time Helen didn't dignify that with an answer. She paid and walked to her car. The trunk was getting pretty full by now, so she went back to the house. Edna would be finished with her hair appointment soon, so Helen raced up and down the stairs to put her bottles in the closet. By the time she was done, she was gasping for breath. Somehow she made her way to the kitchen and had lunch ready just in time for Edna's return.

After lunch, she went to the bank to check her balances. She was surprised to see that she only had $4.53 in checking. She transferred money from their savings account so that Frank wouldn't see that she had spent his pension check in one day. She emptied the rest of the savings account and got it in cash so that she could do a little more shopping.

The Hit 'n Run Liquor store was a little run down and in a bad neighborhood, but she had already cleaned out the good stores. As she walked her Jack to the counter, the cashier told her, "Helen, don't go drinking that all at once, I don't know when our next shipment will be coming in." That sent her into an absolute panic.

There was only one store left. She promised herself the last time she was there that she would never go in that place again. Desperate times call for desperate measures however, and she found herself walking down Stark Street towards the heavily barred windows of Dick Liquors. The cashier was a surly fellow most of the time, but he greeted her like an old friend. "Helen, didn't expect to see you until the end of the month." She just picked up the only two bottles of Jack they had and hung her head as she paid. She had blown through their entire savings account, but she had almost enough precious whiskey to last her through a Nuclear Winter.

Helen got home and once again carted boxes of bottles up to her room. Frank had moved to the guest room when she got mad at Stephanie for Marrying that thug. She opened Frank's old closet door to stash the last of the bottles, but the closet was full. She lifted the dust ruffle surrounding her bed, but there were already too many bottles under there. She opened her dresser drawers, but again, it was already filled with bottles. She looked around the room. Hamper? Full. Nightstand? Full. Finally she pulled all the books off her bookshelf and lined the bottles up. Once she placed every last one, she put the books back up. You could see the tops of the bottles over the books, and the books themselves stuck out past the edge of the shelves, but everything was put away. She idly wondered if you could drive to Tennessee and buy it by the barrel, but for now she was happy.

Across town there was a group of men gathered for their monthly poker tournament. Cards were dealt and they chatted about business. "Bob, good job spotting that article." one man said. "Yeah," piped in another, "who knew we could take a few bottles off the shelf, raise the price by fifty percent and be sold out by the next day." All the men around the tables laughed. Another man said, "How did you know she wouldn't read the entire article?"

Bob smiled and took another pull on his cigar. "This is Helen Plum we're talking about, guys. If there's an article about liquor in a New York Newspaper, she'll find it. Plus, the quote stands out in the article, so I knew she'd read that first. Once she did, she would panic instead of reading the whole thing. I can just picture her in her kitchen reading about a shortage and saying, 'Why ME?'" Everyone laughed as the Liquor store owners monthly poker tournament rolled on.


	5. darkest before the dawn

**I think that Here's to you, Lucylu has taken a dark turn. Helen seriously needs some help. This is an attempt to get her into a better place, or at the very least, back to where she started from.**

**As always, all characters belong to JE. All mistakes are mine.**

Sometimes Frank Plum didn't know why he bothered to wake up in the morning. Sure the food was good, his Helen knew her way around the kitchen, but sometimes food wasn't enough. Frank had gotten through twenty novels by keeping his head down and his mouth shut. He was pretty sure that this was the most valuable lesson he learned in the Army. Not that it was always easy. Between his bat crap crazy mother in law, who had to be at least four hundred years old, and his 'starting to get' bat crap crazy wife with her "Why Me?", sometimes he was afraid his jaw would crack from holding it shut.

Frank was pretty sure it was the liquor that was loosening the screws in his wife's head. Did she really think she was fooling anyone with her glasses of "tea"? After a family dinner, her breath was a hundred proof.

Still, Frank married her for better or worse. If he thought about it long enough, he could remember the 'better' times. Boy, Helen used to be a looker. The things she could do with her mouth would make a man sit up and beg. That was before she became a "proper Burg wife". Just the thought of how much she had changed over the years drove him nuts. Of course, he had changed, too. He could admit that he was softer in the middle and no where near as energetic as he used to be. Less hair was growing on his head, and more hair was growing in his ears. How was that even possible?

Frank was interrupted from his internal musings by the pounding at the door. BANG BANG BANG. "Hurry up in there, will you? I'm old, and I gotta pee." BANG BANG BANG. "My bladder control ain't what it used to be. Get your behind out of there!"

Christ, that woman was going to be the death of him. In fact, he was sure she was going to outlive them all. "I bought this house, I paid for this house, Can't I use the bathroom in peace for ONE Frigging Morning?!" Frank hurried up and got out of there. Edna wasn't going to stop pestering him until he did, anyway.

As Frank made his way downstairs, he tried to decide what to do for the day. There was no way he was staying here in the Looney Bin. His only question was, did he want to drive his cab around all day, picking up some poker money, or did he want to drive all the way to Newark, and visit his daughter and grandson. In the end, he knew that little Ricardo was going to win. That boy has his father's eyes, his mother's curly hair, and he owned his grandfather's heart. He wished he didn't have to drive over an hour to visit, but that was really a small price to pay to see his pumpkin happy.

He sat down at the table and ate. Helen finished fixing plates for herself and her mother and sat down in her seat across from me. "Are you going to be at the lodge today?"

Frank knew that she was fishing for information about their daughter. Too bad he wasn't biting. "Nah, my poker fund is a little low today. I was going to go to the bank and get a hundred dollars out of savings." He wasn't going to tell her that when he had poker winnings, he stuck that money in an account in a different bank. He also put his cab fare money in there, but she didn't need to know that, either. He told Helen all about the account when he opened it, but he was pretty sure that she forgot about it. He was saving up to take her on the vacation of a lifetime for their 50th anniversary. He had been saving since he won his first hand at poker, and he still had a few years to save, but what he wanted to do was expensive.

Frank was too busy keeping his head down and eating his breakfast to notice the look of horror that crossed Helen's face. She hadn't told him that their entire life's savings was currently converted into the liquid gold filling her bedroom. She couldn't tell him that she was pinching every penny she could so that she could start to rebuild their savings account again without him noticing. "No, don't bother with savings, just take the money out of checking."

"Nonsense, Helen, The checking account is for household expenses. Poker isn't a household expense, so I'll take it out of savings."

Helen gripped her coffee mug until her fingers turned white. She glanced at the cabinet where her boyfriend Jack was currently living, but it was a little early in the morning to tipple. "Don't worry, Frank, there's plenty of money in checking and you don't even have to go inside the bank to use your debit card. Just take the money from checking."

Frank didn't know why Helen was being so adamant about taking the money from checking, but it wasn't worth the argument. "Fine, whatever." He finished his breakfast and looked up at his wife, but he just missed the sigh of relief. He got up from the table and headed out to his cab. He would take his cronies to the train station like he did every morning, then head out to Newark.

Edna Mazur plugged in her hot curlers and started to get ready. She had a hot date for lunch at the senior center, and she wanted to look her best. She was going to be seeing a younger man, and she had high hopes that at 72, he could still take care of her needs before he took a nap. Once her hair was in curlers, she went into the bedroom to pick out a thong that matched her necklace. It's always important to accessorize.

Once she had her thong picked out, she put on the leather mini skirt that Lula helped her pick out. That Lula was a pip, and she had a terrific fashion sense. She put on her halter top and looked at herself in the mirror. She still had it, it was just a little lower than it used to be. Once she approved the look, she put her track suit on to cover it up. Helen wouldn't drive her to the senior center if she saw that outfit. It almost made Edna feel like a teenager again, trying to sneak out past mom. Edna was so anxious to go get her man, that she forgot to unplug the hot curlers in the bathroom.

Helen dropped Edna off at the senior center. She didn't really want to hear about the hot date her mother supposedly had. She just wanted her mother out of her hair for a little while. Since she was on her own, she went to Valerie's house for lunch. She could fuss over the babies, and it wouldn't look like she was trying to get a free meal so that she could save money. After lunch, she stopped at the Shop and Bag to see if they had anything on sale that she could make for dinner.

When Helen got to the end of the block on the way home, the road was blocked by police cars. She parked her car on the side of the road and started to walk towards her house. She couldn't get any closer than about four houses away, because of all the fire trucks, but she could see, and that was horrifying enough. Her house was engulfed in eerie blue flames. The other half of the duplex that she called home, Mabel Markowitz's side was also burning. For some reason, the fire department wasn't hosing down her house. Instead they were concentrating on the houses on either side of hers. She could only stand there and stare.

Frank had a wonderful day with his grandson. Just holding him filled him with joy. He couldn't wait until the baby was old enough to take camping and fishing. Little Ricardo breathed life back into Frank's tired old bones. The baby also helped Frank take big steps to repair his relationship with Stephanie. He knew that he would do anything for his baby girl, but now she knew it, too.

Frank stopped at the bank on his way home and filled out a withdrawal slip. He really didn't need to take the money out of checking. The cashier typed something into her computer, and called the manager over. The manager looked at the screen and then at Frank. "I'm sorry, sir, but there isn't enough money in the account to cover this."

Frank thought he might be having a stroke. As calmly as he could, he asked the teller for the balance and walked out of the building holding the paper in trembling fingers. There was a grand total of $12.37 in the account. He used his debit card to look at the checking account balance, but it looked good to him.

Frank sat down heavily in his car and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. He finally decided that the best answer was that Helen has loaned the money to Valerie and Albert and didn't want to tell him. Every parent dreams of having a lawyer or a doctor in the family, but he didn't think anyone had Albert Kloughn in mind. Still, Valerie was his daughter, and Albert was good to her and the girls. Feeling a little bit better, he started his car and drove home. It was getting close to 6:00, and he was ready for dinner.

When he got to their street, He parked behind Helen's car, which was right by the police barricade. It looked to him like the entire neighborhood was out in full force, and there was an eerie blue light down the block. As he walked closer to the house, He could see Helen and Edna huddled together. Was that a hickey on Edna's neck? They had been getting along better lately, but Frank didn't think there was enough bleach in the world to clean that image from his brain. He turned in the direction that they were looking and saw his house on fire, the blue flames making it look like a giant can of Sterno. As he watched in horror as his life went up in flames, Joe Morelli made his way towards them.

Frank gathered his thoughts enough to ask the cop, "What the hell is going on?"

Joe looked at Frank. "We have no idea what started the fire, but the blue flame is from the alcohol. There is so much that the fire department can't use water to put it out. Right now they're concentrating on keeping the fire from spreading by hosing down the neighboring houses until your house collapses or the alcohol burns off. Sorry, I gotta go do some more crowd control." With that, Joe walked off.

Frank could see Stephanie and Carlos walking towards them, but first he turned to Helen. "Why me? First I find out that there is $12 in our savings account, then I find out that my house is burning down. What did he mean by so much alcohol?"

Helen was doing a great impersonation of a mime. Her mouth kept opening and closing, but no sound was coming out. Finally, she dropped to her knees. "Frank, forgive me. I emptied out the savings account, but I had a reason. There was an article in the newspaper about whiskey sales drying up, so I was going to buy a few bottles. I don't know what came over me, but the next thing I knew, I had bought every bottle of Jack Daniels in Trenton and hid them in my room. I need help."

Frank didn't notice that Carlos and Stephanie were standing next to him and had heard every word of Helen's confession. Before he could say something Helen would regret, Stephanie put her arm around his shoulders and spoke. "It's ok, daddy. Fortunately, Mrs. Markowitz was in Florida visiting her daughter, so everyone is ok. You and Grandma can come stay at Rangeman in the apartment you were in last time."

Carlos looked at Helen. He would really enjoy rubbing Helen's nose in her mess, but for the sake of his wife and son, he would do his best to get her the help she so desperately needed. "Helen, if you had read the entire article, you would have know that the makers of Jack Daniels were sure that they had enough stored to keep their supply steady." Carlos took a small amount of satisfaction at the shocked tears falling from Helen's eyes. She had caused his wife to shed them often enough, but again, he held his tongue. "I think that you should be the first recipient of the 'Plum Fund for Sobriety'. It's a grant that will pay for the cost of rehab, as well as any counseling needed after rehab. Only after you have completed a program will I even consider allowing you anywhere near my wife and son."

Helen sat on the ground crying so hard that she could only nod. Carlos made a few calls, and soon Bobby Brown, the company medic came and helped Helen walk away.

Helen signed a waiver giving Bobby access to her rehab and counseling records so that he could administer the grant and watch over her progress. He was hopeful that she would successfully complete the program Nobody should miss out on spending time with that baby. He and his mother were truly the heart of Rangeman. He was dismayed, however to see that the first words she spoke in therapy were, "It's not my fault."

It took three days for the eerie blue light over Chambersburg to finally go out.

**Ok, so Helen has hit bottom. The only way to go now is up, right? I wonder how much money from Poker and cab fares Frank has saved up, and what he planned to do for their vacation? **


	6. Amy Winewho?

**I think I finally got Helen back on track. I was goofing around on youtube and found the perfect inspiration for her rehab stint. If you'd like to see the video, and get the recipe itself, go to youtube** /watch?v=3IlSmdCYo-M **or search for how to make home made alcohol quickly. The condoms make it all worthwhile.**

**As usual, all characters that you recognize probably belong to Janet Evanovich. Any mistakes, along with Gayle, are mine. I make nothing from this except the warm review fuzzies!**

Being sober sucks. Helen had been in rehab for a week by the time she was hit with this realization. The good news was that each of the 'guests' was given a chore that they had to do, and she was given kitchen duty. It didn't take long for her roast to become the talk of the center. Helen always did know her way around the kitchen. She soon became the queen of the kitchen, and everyone else did what she said. She really liked that.

Helen was elated when she was told that she could have visitors, but no one came. She still had her nightly IM chats, but it would be nice to see someone face to face. When Carla Barroni's mother broke her hip, people visited her in the rehab center. Surely people could see that this was the same.

After chores and therapy, the guests were allowed some recreation time. Helen discovered the beauty of FoolTube. You could watch videos of other people's misery all the time. Helen could watch this for hours.

One day during her recreation time, Helen made an important discovery. She could make her own booze. All she needed was fruit juice, sugar, water, and yeast. She had all of those things in the kitchen. She'd show everyone that she was smarter than they gave her credit for. There was only one piece of the puzzle that was missing here, but she knew how to handle that.

She was rubbing her hands in anticipation when the ding of an incoming message came. She eagerly opened the chat screen.

HreAz: How's it going?

She eagerly typed her reply.

WiMe: This place sucks. :-(

HreAz: How much longer?

WiMe: 2 ½ months...

HreAz: Bummer! :-(

WiMe: Could you do me a HUGE favor?

HreAz: What's in it for me?

WiMe: All the Pot Roast you can eat.

HreAz: What u need?

WiMe: Come visit... Bring condoms!

HreAz: ummm...

WiMe: JUST DO IT!

HreAz: Fine. It better be good pot roast!

Helen sat back and smiled. Her plan was coming along nicely.

The next day, one of the orderlies told her she had a visitor. She practically ran from the kitchen to her room. He was standing at her window looking out. "Did you bring them?"

He looked at her and pointed at the dresser. Helen turned eagerly to the dresser. She was disappointed to see only two condoms sitting there. She turned back to him, only to see him standing there, totally naked. He said to her, "Turn around and bend over. The first one is gonna be quick, but I'll take more time with the next one."

Helen Paled slightly. "Joseph Anthony Morelli, have you lost your mind?" Before she covered her eyes, she peeked. She guessed that Stephanie actually listened to her when she told her all that 'it's not the size of the wand' malarkey. Really, out of all the advice she gave her daughter over the years, that's the one she listened to?

Joe pulled his pants up quickly. "You said you were going to give me pot roast and to bring condoms. I thought that was some kind of weird housewife code for butt stuff. You women are always talking about the size of the meat and how tender it is, how was I supposed to know?"

"No, it means I was going to make you pot roast!"

"Well, geez. If I had known that, Steph and I might still be together!"

Helen suffered through the rest of his visit and got rid of him as soon as she could. The next day, she set her plan into action. She went into the pantry and picked out whichever fruit juice they had the most of. Unfortunately, it happened to be prune juice, but beggars can't be choosers. She dumped the proper amount of juice and filled it with the sugar, yeast, and water. When her kitchen shift was over, she snuck the bottle into the room and attached her condom carboy to the top. She was humming a little tune to herself as she hid the bottle in her closet.

For the next three days, Helen was on her best behavior. Her therapist was cautious, but excited about her progress. In reality, she was too busy thinking about the prune juice in her closet to let them know what she really thought about anything else.

Finally the day had come to test her little experiment. She took her first little tipple as soon as she woke up in the morning. It really didn't taste all that great, but she could feel the burn as it slid down her throat. Yes! Come to mama! Another quick hit and she was ready to face the day.

During therapy she was her usual self at last. She let that guy know what was what. The therapist was dismayed at her setback, but that was to be expected. The kitchen help sneered at her superior attitude, but they were beneath her notice. She was anxious to get through the day to recreation time. She smiled when she heard the familiar ding.

HreAz: How you doin?

WiMe: Much better, thank you.

HreAz: I take it the condoms worked?

WiMe: Like a charm. I need more.

HreAz: What's in it for me?

WiMe: Mud Pie.

HreAz: Is that some weird housewife code?

This went on for two weeks. The nurses were impressed that Helen frequently had such a sexy visitor who came bearing condoms. The therapists were frustrated at her lack of progress. The kitchen staff was tired of her superior attitude. At least the guests still liked her cooking. Much to Helen's delight, she was extremely 'regular' from all the prune juice. Finally they showed Bobby Brown her records, and he figured out what was going on.

The next morning, when Helen left her room, there was a nurse and a therapist standing outside waiting for her. They made her take a breathalyzer, which she failed. When they searched her room, they found a half dozen bottles of prune juice covered with condoms. As they forced her to pack her bags and leave the facility, the residents could hear her cries of "Why ME?"

When Helen left the facility, she was officially homeless. Construction hadn't yet started on the new house. Frank and Edna were staying with those thugs, and Helen was not welcome there. She went to the only place she could think of.

She knocked on his door. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in rehab for another two months"

"They found the hooch and threw me out. Can I stay here? I'll cook and clean for you."

He rubbed a hand across his stubble. His house was a wreck, and it would be nice to have some home cooked meals that didn't come from his mother. On the other hand, If he managed to get a girl to come home with him, how would this look? In the end, food and clean underwear won. He stepped to the side. "Come in."

Helen settled into life at Casa Morelli quickly and easily. Joe was thrilled that his roommate cooked and cleaned. More importantly, she agreed with him most of the time. Joe overlooked the condom covered fruit juice in the closet of his guest bedroom. To each his or her own.

One night, a miracle happened. He got drunk, and a girl helped him home. He poured on the charm, and she agreed to sleep with him. Best of all, Helen stayed in her room the whole night. The next morning, as he was enjoying his coffee, Helen came in and started searching the kitchen. "What are you looking for?"

"My condom. I thought I left it in the bathroom last night, but it wasn't there this morning."

Joe told her, "Sorry, I used it last night. I'll buy you a new one today."

She looked shocked. "Joseph, I poked holes in that condom to make hooch!"

Joe paled and buried his head in his hands. "Why me?"

That night, across town, Stephanie got together with Connie, Val, Lula, Gayle, and Mary Lou for the first girls night out since she had her baby. They were having a great time. Finally, Gayle asked a question that had been bugging her for a long time. "I know that you won the husband lottery, but I have to ask. What made you finally leave Joe? Everyone thought you two would get married."

Stephanie took another sip of her margarita. She was feeling good, and decided that Gayle deserved the answer. She was in the same boat once upon a time. "You know Joe and I were engaged. Well, I knew that if I was going to marry him, he'd never lay off asking for the butt stuff. I had to give it a shot at least once. I went to Victoria's Secret and bought this tiny black negligee with peek a boo panels, had a couple beers for courage, and walked downstairs where he was watching the game. When a commercial came on, I stood in front of the TV and told Joe he could have anything he asked for. He looked me dead in the eye and said, 'Cupcake, I'd really like some pot roast."


	7. Bridge Scene Redux

** I was talking to Margaret the other day about some of the characters from the Plum universe. She made a comment about what Tank would do if it was Lula that was thrown off the bridge. Here's the way I think it would have happened...**

** Anything in italics comes directly from Takedown Twenty.**

** All characters come from the mind of JE. Any mistakes are mine. I still don't make anything from this. Bummer.**

_ I walked past two row houses, and a black SUV rolled down the street and parked in front of me. Two guys got out of the SUV and pulled Guns. I turned to run and saw the black Lincoln Town car idling at the curb behind me. Moe had his gun drawn. Shorty was holding a stun gun._

_ I didn't see any little businesses on this block. No open apartment building doors. No place to run for shelter. I could sprint across the street and start trying doors, but they'd be on me if the first door didn't open. I grabbed my cellphone, pressed the speed dial for _Tank, _and took off. _I suppose if I wasn't wearing my genuine imitation Via Spigas, I might have gotten further, but I wasn't about to lose them. _I was across the street, attempting to get into a house with my cell phone _stuffed between my boobs, _when I felt the stun gun charge rip through me. After that it was all mental confusion and scrambled muscle connections._

o0()0o

_The fog started to clear and I found myself in total darkness. I had a vague memory of being carried. I was in a cramped position, unable to straighten my legs. My hands were cuffed behind my back. I lay perfectly still, trying to clear my head, fighting the panic that was burning in my chest. I could feel motion and bumps. I was in the trunk of a car. The Lincoln, I thought._

I could hear some muffled talking coming from the vicinity of my hot pink spandex top. They must not have seen the phone when they stunned me. I started yelling for Tank that I needed help, but I couldn't hear his response. _I was pressed against something hard and scratchy, and it was preventing me from maneuvering my legs in a position to kick anything._

_ The car came to a stop, and I started screaming. The lid to the trunk opened, and I saw daylight and Moe looking down at me._

_ "That screaming's annoying," Moe said. "If you don't stop I'm going to zap you again."_

_ "Where are we?"_

_ "We're on the bridge. You're going swimming."_

_ Shorty and another guy came around and helped Moe wrangle me out of the trunk. The job was made more difficult by the fact that a cinderblock was attached to my ankle by a long rope._

_ "You've got to be kidding," I said, looking down at the cinderblock. "Mob guys don't actually do this."_

_ "Turns out, we do," Moe said._

_ Cars were zipping by, drivers gawking. Some honked their horns and waved. _

I waved back. It's nice to see people admire a big, beautiful woman such as myself. _"They think we're making a movie or something." Moe slammed the trunk closed. "We usually do this at night, but I got to go to an anniversary party for my in-laws."_

_ The SUV was parked behind the Lincoln. One guy was behind the wheel and the other guy was standing next to Shorty, taking it all in._

_ "Okay, here we go," Moe said. "We'll alley-oop her over the guardrail." _He turned to the guy standing next to Shorty. "Are you gonna help us here? She ain't exactly a featherweight."

I glared at him "Are you calling me fat?"

He looked at me. "Lady, I'm calling you fish food. Now quit struggling."

_The guy from the SUV gave a grunt and hefted the cinderblock._

_ "No! Help!" I yelled. "Helllllllp!"_

_ "You just can't help yourself, can you?" Moe said to me. "Always a pain in the ass."_

_ "Help!" I screamed. "Somebody help me!"_

_ Some cars slowed to look, but no one stopped._

_ "For crissake," the SUV guy said. "Move her! I'm gonna pop a hemorrhoid holding this motherfucking cinderblock."_

_ "Moe had me by one arm, and Shorty had me by the other. I was struggling against them, kicking out with the foot not tied to the cinderblock, but I was losing ground. They got me to the guardrail, and I could see the Delaware River dark and deep, swirling away from the bridge abutments._

_ I was still screaming and kicking as I was lifted off my feet, and I felt the guardrail against my back._

_ "Shove her over," the SUV guy said._

_ "I'm fucking trying," Moe said. "_She weighs a goddamn ton."

_I connected with Shorty's crotch and heard him expel a woof of air. He released my arm and doubled over. The SUV guy dropped the cinderblock and grabbed me. There was a lot of swearing and grunting and struggling, and I went over the side. I dropped about ten feet, heard something go thunk, and I hung there, twirling around in the breeze._

_ "What the fuck?" Moe said._

_ "The goddamn block is stuck," the SUV guy said._

_ "Are you shitting me?"_

_ "No. It got pulled into the guardrail when she went over, and it's caught there."_

_ I heard more grunting and swearing and then a moment of silence._

_ I heard someone leaning on a horn, more swearing, and the sound of men running. There was shouting and car noise, but I couldn't sort any of it out. I had my own problems. I was hanging upside down by one foot with my heart racing and the rope biting into my ankle._ My boobs had come out of my top, and anyone who looked over the bridge would be treated to a view of my hot pink leopard print thong.

_ I tilted my head to look up at the bridge and saw _Tank and Ranger _straddling the guardrail._

Ranger slapped his hand over his eyes. "Jesus," he said to Tank. "I think I'm blind."

_ "Try to stay still, _Tank_ said to me. "_We're _going to pull you up, but you have to stop twirling. You're loosening the knot."_

_ I instantly froze, but was still gently swaying._ Tank and Ranger both grabbed the rope and pulled with all their might. I didn't feel any movement on my end. Ranger let go of the rope and fell over the guardrail, back onto the bridge. "Crap! I just tore something." He leaned back over the guardrail and looked down at me. He turned to Tank. "Do you think I have time to get back to Haywood and grab the F-150? We might be able to lift her with the winch."

_I felt the knot slip._ I started screaming again. Tank yelled to me, "Take a deep breath and tuck your legs in." _A heartbeat later I was in free fall._ Tank yelled, "Tuck!" and I splashed in.

Meanwhile, back on the bridge, Tank turned to Ranger who was holding his side and walking in circles by the Rangeman SUV. "Do you think I should go in after her?"

Ranger stopped pacing and looked at the guardrail. "Nah, she'll pop right back up." Tank looked over again and, much to his relief, saw Lula floating down river, still screaming for someone to come get her. The men climbed back into the vehicle and drove down to the riverbank to get her out of the water.

By the time they got to the riverbank, a fishing boat had pulled up to Lula, and was attempting to help her out of the water. Two of the men in the vessel each had an arm, and they were pulling with all their might. Tank removed his shoes, wallet, cell phone, car keys, guns, knives, and anything else he thought might be damaged, and waded into the water.

He swam out to the boat where the captain was now pulling out the two men who had flipped into the water while trying to help her. Tank waved to the captain. "I've got her from here. Thanks for the assist."

The captain looked at the pair in the water and yelled, "Dude, hold still! There's something swimming toward you!"

Tank and Lula froze as the other two men leaned over the railing of the vessel to look. The first guy said to the captain, "I think it's a mutant otter or something."

The captain looked at him. "What do you mean, a mutant otter? Why does it have to be a mutant?"

"This water is bad for you. Look. The poor thing has pink streaks in it from all the chemicals."

Lula slapped her head. "My Weave! Tank, we have to rescue my weave!"

Tank just kept slowly heading towards the shore. "Once we get out of here, I'll take off the cuffs and you can go back and get it yourself."

"Hunh!"

Tank got them to the shore, and Ranger gave them blankets and herded them into the SUV. The drive back to Rangeman was silent. Ranger was in his zone, Tank was thinking about his cats, and Lula was fuming about her weave, but didn't want to annoy Ranger. When they got back to Rangeman, Stephanie was standing by the elevator, wearing a trench coat. She only had eyes for Ranger as he got out of the car. "Carlos, you told me you were going to be there in five minutes, not that you were leaving the building. My motor is running and I need you."

Carlos stood in front of her and opened the coat to reveal the midnight blue Victoria's Secret bra and panties she had left on. He gave her his almost smile and said, "Babe." She took his hand and led him into the elevator.

Lula was about to say something to get her attention, but Tank put his hand over her mouth, cutting her off. He would have bet that she never even saw them and didn't want Lula spoiling their fun. As the elevator doors started to slide closed, Stephanie turned to them, winked, waved, and went back to kissing Carlos.


End file.
